Grammy Whammy

I just giggled when I typed that title. Mainly because I'm still a huge fan of the old game show "Press Your Luck" where the players would hit a buzzer to make the lights stop on a picture of something....being a $1000 vacation, some luggage, or a hideous little cartoon character called a Whammy. The players would say 'No Whammies, no whammies....STOP!'. Anyway, I digress. I don't know if I've missed the moment to review the Grammys, but I promised several of you guys that I would, so here I am. It's totally been one of those weeks - you know, the weeks filled with kid vomit and diarrhea, cold weather days, busy, busy work days, bruised legs, not enough running, an out of town husband, and some uterine cramping. But, here's to hoping this is slightly funny ;)

I've had ideas about this blog on and off in my brain this week, you know, between lysol, treadmills, and tampons. The main thing that struck me about the Grammys is how I feel like they should re-name them. They should be called "Do The Freakiest Thing You Can In Order to Get Noticed". Yeah, yeah...that's the ticket. It's become very absurd, actually. I kinda don't think it's about the music anymore. That makes me sad - because I love, love, love, music! So, without further adieu, let's chat about some of the Grammy Whammy standouts...

Pharrell Williams is utterly, insanely talented. He could probably put a beat behind the lamest song that ever existed and make it an instant hit. Unbelievable! Probably due to the amount of roast beef he consumes. How do I know this? It's gotta be fact. He loves roast beef so much that he chose to wear a hat to the Grammys that looked like the Arby's logo. Or, maybe it's because of his commitment to prevent forest fires. That hat again....it resembled Smokey the Bear ;)

Beyonce's body was fierce. Did you see her in that white, lacy dress?? Oh emm gee!!! Girl's been working out - and you can't even tell she had a kid. Yeah, I'm a hater. She's beautiful and talented...and married to Jay-Z, which is a whole 'nother story. So, maybe everyone won't hate me when I say the next three statements: I felt gross watching her performance of Drunk In Love because I felt like I was in on some action that I didn't need to be a part of, especially with the massive butt rub & grab. I thought her hair looked terrible with that poodle perm (a la Amy in the 6th grade) and what I assumed to be ombre color. And....thirdly...I'm gonna say this fast, like pulling off a band aid, Ithinkthesongdrunkinloveisstupid. Oh, I'm so, so sorry!!!!

Jay Z. Yes, Jay Z. My husband and I have had this dispute numerous times over the course of our marriage, heck, before that, because I loved him in 1996 when he sang "Ain't No N***a" on his first album and did a few guest spots on other people's junk. I think I had "Can I get a What What" on permanent repeat in 1999. Anyhoo, I think he's hot. I know it's an unpopular opinion, people, but it's my blog and I like Taylor Swift too. So, he's rap royalty to me. He's one of the best rappers alive - that's our dispute - my hubby thinks he sucks. I think he's a lyrical genius with big fluffy lips.He says funny stuff and won Blue a gold sippy cup. Yay Jay Z!!!

LL Cool J is the best host ever. He's another fluffy lipped guy that I jammed to in 1996-97 riding in various vehicles of friends who loved him as much as I did. His velvet tux and beret thing were just classy :)

Macklemore totally got his velvet tux from the Thrift Shop. Yeah right. He's arrived - he got that thang from Tom Ford. Ha ha. It was a very interesting color. That's about all I can give him. I'm not gonna go all political regarding his performance - just keepin' it lighthearted...but, my number one point to all of this would be...maybe I'm selfish, but one of the things that I loved my about our wedding day was that me and my groom were the center of attention. I SURE wasn't gonna share it with 30 other couples, around a bunch of folks who didn't know me or didn't give a poo about me and my relationship and commitment. And, Queen Latifah? Madonna? Well, Madonna was obvious - she loves the controversy. Just go away! What the heck? I'll stick with the pastor who knew us personally and was invested in our relationship! Why can't it just be about the music and not being about getting people to talk and get all controversial?

Ryan Lewis wore houndstooth!!!! Roll Tide, Ryan :) :) I think Nick Saban needs one of those suits for the recruiting trail.

Lorde. Lord help her. Bless her heart. So, I did a little research on her. Her real name is Ella. She totally doesn't look like an Ella to me. I am a huge fan of the song "Royals" and was pumped to see it do so well. I can't believe she is 17, another insanely talented chick. Her nails and lipstick made me a little nervous...like I wanted to put a pulse oximeter on her to see what her oxygen saturation was. She dressed kinda boring, but I gotta give her the props for not selling out to trying to be a Britney Spears clone and dressing up like an old dirty hoe :)

Daft Punk confuses me. I am the proud owner of "Get Lucky" on my ipod...to which I made up a catchy little ditty about staying up all night with my youngest daughter. I mean, you have made this hugely popular song, with Smokey the Bear hat wearing genius Pharrell, and you're gonna wear something that looks like a black C3P0. I don't get it at all??? Are they embarrassed? Are they insanely ugly? Do they have chronic halitosis & are afraid that the public will find out? Has Pharrell seen their faces?? Why do they wear the C3P0 gloves too? Are they committing all the Dollar General robberies in my town??

Katy Perry - okay sister, we get it....you were raised in church, your daddy is a minister, you have decided that you want to go as far from the faith as you can and you want to make sure that we are all fully aware. We see you pretty much performing witchcraft on stage wearing that cross looking thing on your shirt. Good job. You're talented....maybe you should just tell God thank you for your talents and stop showboating how far you are from where you came. Your next claim to fame is gonna be John Mayer running his mouth about your bedroom talents....just ask JSimpson! Yikes!! And, for the record...musical notes belong on the page, not on your dress. Double Yikes!!!

I'm gonna give Robin Thicke his props...sorta. So, he moved down on the classiness scale (like to the dumpster) with his Miley performance. Then, he went under the dumpster when all of those pics surfaced of him in Paris all up on another woman (not his wife). But, this time, he's maybe got one of his legs out of the dumpster when he performed with Chicago. He wasn't dressed as a Foot Locker employee or Beetlejuice. He was dressed nicely and was singing with a legit group. No twerking allowed.

Today, I was in my car and I had my iphone hooked up playing my itunes radio. I heard the stupidest song ever about falling in love in a Cop Car. I thought to myself, 'what rookie wrote and sung this?' So, I got my phone out and looked. I was SHOCKED to see that it was Mr. Keith Urban that had shamed himself so low. I then remembered that he sung this atrocity at the Grammy Whammys. Can this truly be the same guy who sung for me to take my cat and leave his sweater, cause we got nothing left to weather? Who is responsible for this? Bless his heart?!? Cop Car?? Have some pride, Keith!!!

John Legend is great. His girlfriend? Wife? I kinda think he really loves her. They were the real deal. And, his performance was about the music. I kinda feel like more peeps should take after him.

Dear Cirque De Soleil: Will you please hire Pink so she can put us music lovers out of our misery? She's a phenomenal singer and when she actually put some clothes on and stopped spinning around and dangling from a highwire, I thoroughly enjoyed hearing her and her beautiful song and her flawless dress. But...if she is going to continue to pretend like she's auditioning for Ringling Brothers, then we are gonna have to stop the insanity.

So, I've already caught a little flack for this. It's another unpopular opinion, and it may show my lack of coolness. I don't know who Kendrick Lamar is. I have no idea what he sings, and I've accidentally referred to him as Lamar Kendrick in my mind because I feel like it flows better, and maybe someone went to my high school with that name... Yes. I am that old. I do, however, love, love, love Imagine Dragons. I was sad for them because I felt like they had to play second fiddle to a dude rapping a song that I didn't know and had to pretend like they were banging some big drums and getting splashed like they were in the Color Run. Apparently, they loved it and didn't care, so, good for them...but I was kinda sad. Maybe someone can help me and let me know what Kendrick Lamar sings.

Kacey Musgraves sounds bored when she sings. For real. Girl has a good voice, but she sounds like she's about to fall asleep. Perhaps that's why she wore such an (ahem) bright outfit for her performance. The skirt appeared to be from a lampshade that I saw at the check in desk at Buenavista Mexican restaurant, and those boots that were wired with Christmas Lights had me worried. I thought it was just a matter of time until she - POOF - blew up like the kitty cat in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation from a misfiring of the wires.

So, when Gloria Estefan and Marc "Latino Skeletor" Anthony were on stage, my husband walked in the room. He asked me why Gloria was bleeding from her neck. Apparently, he thought that the netting area of her dress resembled blood dropping all over the place. I told him that it was her dress and reassured him that I bet that wasn't the look that she was going for on Grammy night.

Every time I see Bruno Mars, I am shocked that such cool songs and good voice come from such a hideous looking individual. That's all I've got to say about that.

Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Blake Shelton, and Merle Haggard. I bet these people combined have consumed more alcohol than there is water in the Seven Seas. I bet they've smoked more weed than....than....heck, I don't even have a good comparison. Willie was lookin' aight. Merle was pretty rough, but dang, Kris was pretty much the legal definition of 'rode hard and strung up wet'. God bless his heart. I bet Blake was pretty proud of that moment...it was actually a good performance - and about the music and not making a political statement or auditioning for a circus and no twerking was found.

Miranda Lambert looked amazing. I love her and her love for dogs makes me love her even more :)

I was so pumped up for Trent Reznor, Queens of the Stone Age, Lindsay Buckingham, and Dave Grohl. That's like a 90's teenage dream grouping, right?! So, after all the fool acting and crazy grouping of people and controversies, they were gonna get it right...but, what did they do?? They cut 'em off!!!! For the record, ole Trent dropped the effer on Twitter about it because he was mad. Can't say I blame him for being upset with the folks at the Grammy awards. As an aside, even as a 90s girl...I was appalled that Hootie (okay, Darius Rucker for this generation) was chosen for "Wagon Wheel" to win. Whaaa?? Everyone knows that Old Crow Medicine Show owns that song.

And, finally...Ciara. I've gotta call her out. She's gravid...and you know I'm a lover of the pregnant belly. She. Looked. Amazing!!! Like illegally gorgeous. I never looked that amazing while pregnant (or not pregnant) - she totally had a collarbone too! Beautiful!!!

I had pretty strong opinions on these Grammy awards. I tried to leave some out, or censor them slightly to keep it lighthearted. No need to get a bunch of folks fired up just because I'm not a fan of something :)