It's the Billboard Music Awards!!!

You know, every time an awards show comes on, I think to myself that I won't blog about it. How much more is there for me to say about these hideous fashions? Then, the "fans" ask for it...and the poor stars themselves just make such errors that I just can't hold my tongue anymore. Such is the Billboard Music Awards. I almost feel like awards shows are coming to contests of who can act/dress/dance like the biggest hoe and disgrace themselves the most in the name of fame, fortune, and excess. This specimen was no disappointment. I couldn't help but think that somewhere across the nation, the "real artists" of yore were sitting in their living room or watching from a recliner in a luxury suite of a retirement facility with pure disdain with what we call entertainment these days. Anyhoo, not to be holier than thou, because I have some of their whack little songs on my ipod so I'm supporting them in a round about way....so, here goes....

Selena Gomez - so, when she arrived on the red (blue) carpet, she had on this white dress with this ripped thing going diagonally across it, like maybe her and Beibs (dang it, y'all know me and my i-before-e and him) Biebs had gotten into a tiff and he ripped it, but she just kept on walking. My favorite (read - NOT) was the neon necklaces that she swiped from the nightly parade at Disney. Yall know what I'm talking about. Well, she just got 'em and incorporated them onto the shoulders and neck of that hideous dress! Way to recycle, Selena!

Miley Cyrus - She also got caught up in a little Disney. She has incorporated the checkerboard from Alice in Wonderland's visit to the Queen of Hearts and a sweet little doily tablecloth. Do you think she stitched them together herself? She certainly wasn't spending time getting her roots touched up. (I know, like I can talk, but hey, I don't make her $ or have her time). And where is Liam?? Hmm...call me Miss Cleo, but I'm pretty sure that wedding WON'T happen!

TSwizzle - it never fails. I always have a friend or two who chastize me for liking ole TSwizzle. I still like her, okay. I downloaded "22" onto my ipod because it's catchy. My husband rips me because 'I was 22 about 12 years ago' and then breaks into hysterical laughter. Whatevs, he's a year older than me. Anyway, poor TSwizzle was confused at the Billboards. She thought the invitation said "Winter Olympics". She had on her best sparkly figure skater outfit that she owns. And, I am getting over the bangs. Is the hair ombre or boring color? Not sure...but, maybe she can recycle this outfit for the 2014 Winter Olympics Figure Skating showdown.

Madonna - I have seen your darn underwear/lingerie over the years more times than I have seen my own. Stop it. Put your clothes on. You're close to my parent's age, and you're somebody's momma. My favorite quote came from a friend on her facebook page and I MUST share with you...'Is Madonna using her sunglasses to hide her crow's feet?' Ha! Hilarity! Yes, probably so...and not to nitpick, but, her chin don't lie - she's aging. It looked wrinkly as the day is long. Bow out, Madge, bow out.

Hayden Panetierre - I love you. I do. I love Nashville and Juliette Barnes. I do find interesting that she sings some songs on a TV show and plays an international superstar and suddenly it warrants a trip to the Billboards. That said, at least she was dressed classy and didn't twerk on someone or on stage (see Nicki Minaj).

Nicki Minaj - on the red (blue) carpet, I found out that you (gasp) weren't a real blonde! Ha. On stage, I'm pretty sure that America realized that you are the proud owner of butt implants as you performed a real, live lap dance with full on twerking (have I really used this word twice when I know my parents read this and are going to google it?) all over Lil Wayne (who probably was hittin' the sizzurp and on the verge of a seizure - was there a Yankaur available? *my nurse friends are howling at that last statement*). I wonder if her Mom was proud? Hey y'all! Wanna see my daughter dance? Ewwwww. Her red dress at arrivals was kind of demure and nice, but she appeared angry. Why so mad?? Did Mariah Carey say something to you?

Psy - isn't his 15 minutes up yet?

Tracy Morgan - were you trying to be funny with the big bird suit and the scarf and head full of hair? If so...hi-lar-ious....if not, just pretend I didn't ask.

JLo - I rip you everytime. Partially, I shall admit, it's jealousy. You have twins and look like you do, and well, I had two singletons and yeah, you get it. I, however, work full time, cook my own meals (or go eat at Arby's), nurse my children for at least a year without a break, I get up with them in the middle of the night - not a nanny, I haven't had plastic surgery, don't have hair/makeup people, don't have a stylist, my kids are with me most of the time, don't have weekly facials/waxing/massages, and by your standards, I live in poverty. Therefore, I will continue to have nothing nice to say. As an aside, you should've stayed with PDiddy instead of marrying the Latino Skeletor.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger - the two most insignificant people in rock music. Together. Ha!! Avril should've stayed with that dude from Sum 41, at least people didn't freely joke on him. People rip Nickelback so hard. Avril is still trying to be a sk8r girl from the early 2000s, move on sister, you're a pretty girl. Grow up. Even if it means marrying this dude with the bad hair, sharing your Clairol products with him forever and having to live in surburbia. It's better than being made fun of by South Park (although, that was an epic episode).

Jennifer Nettles - love you. You looked amazing. You have a newborn, so in my mind, you are covered from head to toe in spanx. My one tip for you....tight stuff on the breast while you are nursing can lead to mastitis - so, you may need some antibiotics after wearing that dress.

Ke$ha - I feel like I should take the $ out of her name because she looks cheap - as usual. Here's how I picture the conversation going between K & her stylist.
            K: Hey girl, I'm gonna need a dress for the Billboards
            Stylist : What look do you have in mind?
            K: oh, you know, the usual?
            Stylist: Dollar Tree Tramp?
            K: Yes! That's it. Also, can you stop by Party City and get that aerosol glitter for me to spray in my hair?
            Stylist: Sure! I'll be back in 15 minutes.
***15 minutes pass and stylist returns to K's house***
          Stylist: Here you go! There's not time to touch up your roots, and they only had a small in the dress. Hope it's okay. They were out of fishnets, I know you love those.
           K: oh, it's okay....the trampier the better. The fishnets are just a distraction anyway - with this dress, you can see my whole butt cheek! Nailed it!!!!

Carly Rae Jepsen - I bet we wear the same shade of makeup! Woot woot! Pale girls, unite!!!

Chris Brown - I keep looking at the bottom of your sweater to see if it says "Jesus" if I look hard enough. Or, should I get out a sharpie and see if I can find my way out of the maze. Oh, and PS - it's May. Not sweater weather. But, on the positive, you weren't beating anyone! Good job!

Kimberly Perry - you do no wrong. I want to be you. Your dress was classy and perfect and your hair and makeup were great, your body is bangin'. LOVE!!!!

Justin Bieber - you. got. boo-ed. That should tell you something. Stop wearing those pants. Hammer had em on lock in the 90s. You just look dumb. And the crotch grabbing just makes me think that you have the crabs.

Alyssa Milano - why were you there again? You don't sing. You've been on Who's The Boss? and Charmed. Neither of which you sang in. I'm confused. Were the Billboards just a platform to promote your hideous outfit? Whatever floats your boat!!!

Jenny McCarthy - do you remember Singled Out? I do. Do you remember that Halloween I was you for the Halloween Party and I carried a microphone and everything? You were so awesome! What happened? I don't know why you were invited to Billboards either and someone forgot to tell you that the dryer ate your shirt and a tiger got a hold of your skirt. I'm sorry that you have been wronged in this way. Bless your heart.

That's all, folks. You all know that I have to finish my posts by reminding that I'm no fashionista. I am wearing a pair of gauchos from 2005, a tank top that I've had on for 36 hours, a random pink button up, half done makeup, unstraighted hair, a hello kitty bandaid on my right foot, a ponytail holder on my left wrist and I have baby slobber on the thigh of my pants. I have 250 mosquito bites because they love me and I'm itchy and tired. I haven't ran in three weeks because I'm too tired and too lazy. So, at least these people are trying :) Ha ha!