It's the VMAs!!!

Yeah! It's the VMAs. I didn't watch the trash....but, I did, however; hit the internet this am to see how these people dressed so I could promptly bust them down. I probably should totally skip this one entirely - being that I almost did a herkie because my maternity stretch pants were clean and my neck looks like a member of the Alabama defensive line and my hair is in a perpetual ponytail because it's so darn hot. But, cattiness prevailed and here I am. So - enjoy!

Miley Cyrus - another case of trying too hard. So you cut (read: whacked) your hair off and dyed it stripper blonde. Now, you're going for a pompadour/fauxhawk look. Did your dress have sheer places or is that black and brown? Black & brown = unacceptable. Sheer = slutty. Basically, honey, you're no win. Your face is usually really pretty, but I'm not even digging that.

Rihanna - fully clothed. check. no crazy hairdo. check. nice makeup. check. I hear you even made niceties with Chris Brown. Yeah, you did a good job tonight. I typically think you're one step away from ghetto, but surprisingly, this time, you stayed city and not ghetto. Props.

Taylor Swift - y'all know I love her....I know everyone doesn't. Hair is same as usual. Suit kinda reminded me of something I've seen Ellen Degeneres wear before. Okay, whatever. Let's get to the real deal - she's hanging with Kennedys. Is that safe?! The wives and girlfriends of these people disappear - like weirdly - you know, they die with odd circumstances and everyone turns a blind eye. You've got your own $, Taylor. Run like the wind - preferably while wearing a different outfit.

Katy Perry - your hair is a regular color! What awesomeness! Your dress was strangely tame - albeit a little on the sheer side, but tame. I'm proud of you - even if you were seen kissing John Mayer - who hasn't been cool since he was a little dorky after releasing "Room For Squares".  You know he's gonna call you out to the press about bedroom activities. He's notorious for that!

Nicki Minaj - you look bad - it's all bad. The lace unitard is bad, the red stripey junk running through it is bad, the hair that resembles Lemon Meringue (the doll who is bff with Strawberry Shortcake) and your hat that looks like a caddy. Bad, bad, bad. BUT...I learned this week that we have something in common. Yes, Nicki "slutty dressing, bad mouth having" Minaj and I are one in the same on something. She's an endorser of the Romney/Ryan ticket. Yes! Shocker, but yes. Apparently, people were telling their kids that they couldn't listen to her anymore because of her political affiliations. Um, okay....if that's what it took....

Emma Watson - you're usually so cute! I think we have another case of trying too hard at the VMAs. It's okay - we don't have to look like colorful robots on top and Aztec Indians on the bottom. Let's just be ourselves. I'm okay, you're okay, we're all okay. Okay?

Demi Lovato - my limited knowledge of you is that you are a Disney person and that you've been to rehab for some stuff. Good luck with the rehab stuff! Yay, you. But....yes, I did have to say but, the dress/jacket ensemble may have came from TJ Maxx or Ross or Marshalls. AND...the hair color, well, let's just say it's not Aveda. I think you and your BFF did it in the bathroom last night after buying it at Walmart. Hope you continue to get better - mentally and stylistically....

Pink - I hated your dress. It must have came from one of those "hey y'all, I'm goin' clubbin' tonight!" stores. I'm past that, though, because I just cannot get over how AWESOME your body after baby looks. I wish we could train together - you know, so you could just do your thing and I could pathetically try to keep up day after day until I puke my guts up. You are bangin!!!

The Fab Five - not as awesome as the Magnificent Seven, but y'all know I still think it's 1996. These girls clean up well :) Ha ha. Not a sparkle clip, scrunchie, or dippety-doo in any one of their hair. Overall - golden.

Ke$ha - we R who we R. Yeah, you were trying to re-iterate that tonight, huh? Bad news bears, all the way around. I liked it better when you had the "stockings ripped all up the sides....looking sick and sexified". Oh, and did you kill an ostrich to get that purse? Hello PETA!!??

Amber Rose - you're rockin' that baby bump with Wiz Khalifa. Yay you! I'm not sure if you are Caucasian or African American. Not that it matters, but you might should invest in some lipstick to fix that monochrome. Just sayin :)

Ezra Miller - I had to google to find out who you were. Not a good sign. Your outfit resembled a toreador (I had to google that too). I was gonna say a bullfighter guy who held out the red scarf thingy. Anyway, it's all bad stuff. Leave them bulls alone.....

One Direction - one direction for all that hair = upward. Buncha dudes that I know nothing about. Next.

RiFF RaFF - this is a disgrace! I thought those tatts on your legs were pick marks - a la methamphetamines - where are your teeth? why does your outfit not match? are those cornrows gone wrong? O. M. G!!!! Not to mention, I hate your name. I came in 2nd during the elementary school spelling bee because I misspelled riff raff. I'm still haunted.

Okay...I'm done being mean. Mainly because I'm more intrigued by my daughter running around in her new polka dotted panties and her new "Bama" shirt than anything these out-of-touch celebs have to offer :) :)