My Book Report on "Sweet Valley Confidential"

So, those of y'all who are my facebook friends know of the literary masterpiece that I picked up for $3.97 at ye olde Books a Million yesterday. Well, in typical Amy-speed-read fashion, I have finished it. Quite possibly so I could destroy it and deny that I had ever read such fluff as an adult. Not really, I enjoy a little fluff sometimes....most of the time....when I read. So, yeah, I read "Sweet Valley Confidential - Ten Years Later" by Francine Pascal. She's the chick that wrote all of the Sweet Valley series that we all enjoyed as preteens, teens, and very young adults. You know, the twins, the high school, the University. After reading this book, my overwhelming statement about the book would be, 'well, the Wakefield twins' parents would have saved everyone a lot of heartache if they would have sprung for out of state tuition for them and sent them to another college'. Sweet Valley University was just too much. For Pete's sake - leave Sweet Valley, people. It's total drama town.

That said, be prepared for some spoilers as I review this book - if you're gonna waste your time read this book, you may want to just click away now. So, here we go. It was slightly fun to see the old names pop up in the book that I vaguely remembered from the books back in the day. Bottom line of the book itself surrounds the fallout from Jessica (the prettiest, social butterfly twin) cheating with Elizabeth's (the equally pretty, but sorta plain & boring twin) boyfriend of five years to whom she thinks she's gonna marry - soon. It's really kinda sad and I felt bad for Elizabeth. Dude, y'all read the books, Jessica could've had anyone - but she ends up with ole Todd Wilkins - the Sweet Valley b-ball player and journalist. So, to escape the tangled web of Sweet Valley, Elizabeth moves to NYC. Sparing the boring details to everyone - there are a bunch of parties and get togethers with "the old gang" present, which basically gives Francine Pascal a few paragraphs to do a "Where Are They Now" for each individual she has written about for the last 20 years. Elizabeth is off in NYC being all sulky and sad until she finally makes a couple of friends, Liam & Will. Will and his wife (that he ran out on) Wendy's estranged relationship serves as a foil for Elizabeth & Todd/Elizabeth & Jessica and is straight out predictable. Okay, let's be honest - the whole darn book is predictable.

Here's the not predictable part - or maybe I was naive growing up and never noticed political innuendo or blatant agenda. Steven Wakefield (Jessica & Elizabeth's older stud muffin brother - or that's how he was presented in all of the other books) is gay. Jessica catches him with Aaron Dallas - remember that name from the past?? I did - and outs him to his then wife Cara (yes...the cheerleader he dated in high school). There are about 5 non-hidden references to how gay marriage isn't legal in California and hoping for some "good legislation" to happen so the Wakefield's can have "3 sons in law one day". Seriously. I read to escape reality, Francine Pascal. You might have well included an insert to the book endorsing Obama and the Democratic Party. I purchased the book for fluff reading, not innuendo. Or...the part in which Francine states that Enid Rollins had become all "right wing". Ugh. Shut up.

Next not predictable part - the cheesy, cheesy, cheesy sex scene descriptions. Ouch, Francine. I can't even quote them here because my Dad is a reader of the blog and I am embarrassed. Not at the content - cause it's not 50 Shades or anything, it's just incredibly stupid. It's like for a second, Francine wanted to be a Harlequin writer. What about how Elizabeth (the supposed prude) has sex with 2 or 3 people in the course of this book. What the heck, hussy!! Even Jessica doesn't do that.

....and the language. Not cursing or anything - although there are a few wordy-dirds, but when the girls are talking, Jessica especially, she keeps throwing the word "like" in there. You know, like how we talk? I don't remember that from the books. I found it to be sort of stupid.

Despite the bashing, and the embarrassment from my lack of literary maturity. I'm all right with the fact that I read the book, okay - and furthermore - if Ann B. Martin came up with a Baby Sitters Club confidential to catch me up with the BSC today, I'd be all over it. Heck, I want Beverly Cleary to let me know if Ramona Quimby hooked up with Howie Kemp or if Beezus hooked up with Henry Huggins. What about Ramona's little bitty sister - Roberta Quimby - what happened with her? I love a good ending with a bow tie.

In order to provide you, the reader, with a good bow tie, I'll recap each character and what they are up to now. This can save you the humiliation of having the book on YOUR bedside table and YOUR husband picking it up and saying, "really? really?" or the humiliation of putting it on YOUR Kindle. You're welcome. Enjoy giggling as you remember the names - it's really tough to not laugh a little :)

Bill Chase - the Sweet Valley champion surfer - was in a triathlon in Australia and his leg was bitten off by a shark - he now teaches surfing to the handicapped and does Special Olympics.

Roger Collins - the teacher and Oracle sponsor that was accused of molesting a student - he was exonerated (by Elizabeth, of course) and wrote a bestseller - after his wife left him.

Aaron Dallas - Sweet Valley High Soccer star - Steven Wakefield's partner. Architect. Jessica outs them and they are happily living together by the end of the book. He hates Jessica, though, bc of her making Steven come outta the closet.

Lila Fowler - the rich girl, Jessica's BFF. Ya'll know you've been wanting to be her since she was the leader of the Unicorns in the 6th grade, wearing purple. Well, she was married to Ken Matthews - an NFL star who got injured and is going through a divorce...maybe. She's still rich and snobby.

Jeffrey French - Elizabeth's ex. He's a dentist now.

Ken Matthews - former captain & star quarterback of SVH's football team. Todd Wilkins' best man when he and Jessica get married (yeah, they do - spoiled that one for ya). Out of NFL for season bc of knee injury & hosts a sports program. Married (barely) to Lila, but doesn't want the divorce.

Caroline Pearce - y'all remember her - the town gossip - she has had cancer, but is in remission. She's a big deal Real Estate agent in Sweet Valley and has a gossip blog.

Enid Rollins - Elizabeth's high school BFF - recovering alcoholic & OB-GYN. Secretly dating AJ Morgan (remember that name? he was a scuzzy guy that Jessica dated for half a second that got her into some bad situations) who works at a Nike store.

Robin Wilson - the fat girl who wanted to be in the PBA sorority - they busted her down until she got skinny and then they wanted her - and then she busted them down. She owns a catering business and works for Bon Appetit magazine as an editor. She just got married to an attorney in Steven Wakefield's office.

Winston Egbert - the goofy dork who always tried to ask Jessica out in elementary and high school and college. Had a falling out with Todd bc he busted him and Jessica cheating. Invested in a dot com company and became crazy rich and mean. He fell off his bazillion dollar balcony and was killed.

Suzanne Devlin - the jerky girl in high school that accused Roger Collins of molestation - returned to Sweet Valley, got trashed and apologized to everyone, but as she was pulling off the scene, she crashed her car and died.

Ned and Alice Wakefield - Ned is senior partner in a law firm and Alice had breast cancer, but kept on working as an interior decorator in business for herself.

Steven Wakefield - Jessica & Elizabeth's brother - Lawyer. Was married to Cara - his high school sweetheart - after the "love of his life" Tricia Martin - died of leukemia in school. Steven had been stifling his sexuality for a while, but Aaron Dallas brought it out.

Jessica Wakefield Wilkins - walked down the aisle at the end of the book with Todd Wilkins' (Elizabeth's ex). She works for some makeup/product corporation as PR for a green campaign. Agenda agenda.

Elizabeth Wakefield - lives in NYC and works as a journalist who reviews off broadway shows. At the end of the book, she realizes her love for Bruce Patman - who first reveals his love for her.

Bruce Patman - y'all remember him! Jerk extraordinaire. Drove a Porche, even in high school. Rich and mean. Well, both of his parents died in a wreck and Elizabeth comforted him. This began his love for her and his transformation into caring for others. Owned dot com corporation with Winston Egbert, but got out before it went belly up. Saw how Winston became a jerk and decided to not be like him and be a good guy. Moving to NYC to be with Elizabeth by the end of the book.

That's it, guys....hope you feel critically enlightened :) Ha ha.

The whole morale of the story is - get outta high school, people!!!!!!