I laid off of award season for a while. I was feeling like I was being way too catty. Yeah, yeah, but it's fun and the VMAs...well, those people just set themselves up for blog fodder. So, enjoy ;)
Britney Spears - Imma give the girl a thumbs up. Emm hmm. You read that right. Bless her heart, she doesn't do much right. The hair is good - it's gotta be a wig or a weave or extensions or a "piece" - I'm not down with the extra hair lingo...but it's an aight job. The dress isn't my fave, but it's an okay length and I am not about to get an eye full of something that I don't care to see. In the World of Britney, I think that's a five star day. The boots are hideous, and I don't get why they have open toes...doesn't that defeat the purpose. Okay, reading this back, maybe it's not a true thumbs up...just maybe thumbs pointing out to the side.
Beyonce - so, that's a nice color on you. I should quite possibly leave it at that...but, y'all would all stop reading now, wouldn't you? Her dress reminds me of a manta ray. Have you ever seen one swim? It's wings (?) flap around and wave and float through the water. Yes. A red manta ray was my first impression of Beyonce's dress. Apparently, one of the news sites said that she was holding her tummy as to insinuate that she was preggo with Jay-Z's baby. That's the way, Beyonce. If your career isn't as cool as it once was, just get knocked up to get some attention. I see it all the time. For the record, I like Jay-Z a lot - even though peeps think he's ugly. He is a good rapper. Word.
Russell Brand - you look dirty. All that money and you can't afford some Dove soap? Everyone knows that your room was probably paid for by someone else, why don't you just use the hotel samples? See...it's free. Pants = too tight and I think your eyebrows were styled by Bert from Sesame Street.
Katy Perry - okay, we've established on previous posts that I was surprised at her beauty when she fixed up. I had NO idea how pretty she truly was. Tonight is a prime example of why I didn't know. I do believe that she dyed her hair using Kool Aid. I've heard that's what some peeps do when they are trying to be a little punk. Whatever, I was a cheerleader...you know I didn't try the Kool Aid hair trick...but if you wanna talk about spiral curls and rolling your hair up...I'm your girl. Anyhoo, Katy has successfully made me forget about her beauty by turning her hair a funny shade and styling it just a little longer than an oompa loompa's hair. Sorry.
Katie Holmes - why are you there? Have you ever sung a song. No, singing Tom and Suri to sleep doesn't count. Won't give you much blog space bc your attendance is less than important to me. Cute hair, dress much like I wore to the 1999 New Orleans ZTA sorority formal, and another prime example of the nice outfit ruined by bad shoes trend.
Justin Bieber - shadows of Elton John. Totally. What's up with dudes and tight pants? Maybe I'm old, but gosh, that's not attractive. Plus, I make a living out of fertility. These teens and twenty somethings may need to loosen the boys up so they don't lose some fertility. That's a rumor, you know - tight pants = bad swimmers. Digression, again....Bieber's glasses are bad. Big and bad. Doesn't he hang with some really cool rapper that would tell him to stop that?
Kim Kardashian - haven't you worn this before? I'm so over you and your 'why am I famous?' self. We get it. You like to wear things that are tight, have lots of cleavage, and wear lots of makeup. Got it. K. Bye.
Taylor Lautner - oh my. Is that a dustache? also known as a "teen stache" if you ask my friend Jenny. I must stop bc I love him and don't want to face the truth.
Selena Gomez - wasn't there someone named Gomez on the Addams Family? This dress must have came from someone kin to him. She must have borrowed this dress from Elvira and got Edward Sissorhands to tailor it for her. Ouch. But her face and hair looked nice :) That counts for something.
Nicki Minaj - what the mess? That's not fashion, that's just stupid. Seriously. I think you are a singer who says some nasty stuff in some rap songs. That's about all I know about you...and now you've just added bad, dumb dresser to your resume. You're not hired.
Miley Cyrus - are you backstage at a pageant? That's what it looked like. The dress looks like a cross between a cheetah wanna be, a flower garden, and the MHS beauty pageant. Disappointed.
JWoWW - I just lowered myself a little just by typing those letters in that way. I don't watch the show "Jersey Shore". The trash factor is too high for me. This from someone who NEVER MISSED an episode of the first season of "Rock of Love" with Bret Michaels. I've come a long way. I'm not even gonna comment on her dress because I can't get past the fact that she can't hold her eyes open. Drugs are bad, mkay?!
Adele - your dress is bad but I forgive you because I love your voice and your music so much and I think that in Britain the people care a little less about looks and more about talent. I also heard some quote that you said about how you wanted people to talk about you for your voice and that you didn't give a bleep if they thought you were fat. Fight the power sista. Love you even more after I typed this out. You're a better singer and artist than the others. ;)
Ne-Yo - I'll call you tomorrow when I roll my patient back for her c-section. Ha ha! I've explained that one before :) You kinda look cute. Still haven't figured out what you sing. Sorry bout that.
Busta Rhymes - Woo hah! Oh my! I thought you died...or was in the County Dade or something. We were friends in 1996! You've gone downhill. Quite a bit. My tips: a personal trainer, and p.s.: tattoo "sleeves" don't equal real sleeves on a shirt. That vest thing was whack. Nice to see you again, though.
Jared Leto - I don't want you to have a band. I want you to be Jordan Catalono forever. Your band is weird, your clothes are weird and you've lost yourself (uh, or Jordan anyway). You are no longer cute.
Kelly Rowland - Beyonce stole your thunder years and years ago. Friends know when to say when. uh...when.
Because I'm (a) old and (b) listening to waay-fm a lot...I don't know who many of these peeps are. So, here's a quick rundown of the who-the-heck-are-yous that need an intervention from Clinton and Stacy:
- Destinee and Paris - Gothic much?
- Black Veil Brides - this has to be sacreligious somehow...plus, this look was done in the 80s.
- Victoria Justice - who? The only Victoria is Beckham.
- Jessie J - oh wow. the outfit plus a broken leg is disaster. Looks like you borrowed my child's black leotard, cut the top off and glued sequins on. JoAnn Fabric called...they want their black sequined fabric back.
- Amber Rose - must be code name for Camel Toe.
- Deena Cortese - did you raid the Skittle factory????!!!!
As a Southern Belle, I feel like the best parting thing that I can say for this post and these people is: 'Bless Their Hearts'.
No comments:
Post a Comment