Let's begin by prefacing that I tried everything that I could to make it an easy breezy trip. I really did. I played Candy Land with the kid, I played Barbies, let her watch a little TV, took her and her sister to get slushies during Happy Hour at Sonic before we hit the Belk. I tried so hard. It should be a mutualistic relationship. I give to you and you give to me. Weeeeell. That's not quite how it emerged. I had to drop by my work and pick up some cookie dough that I had bought...and apparently, my sweet co-workers could see the writing on the wall that my youngest was gonna get crunk at the Belk. Deep down, I probably knew too, but I hoped beyond hope that she would have mercy on me and remember how kind I had been all day. Straight up Mary Poppins!!
The story wouldn't be as funny if I didn't tell on myself a little. So, we wheel up to Belk...and there's an absolute rockstar parking place. I see someone coming out of it, so I stalk them before turning into it. Have you ever just kinda misjudged a turn in? Okay...like really misjudged? Well, that happened to me in this instance. This rockstar parking place just happened to be next to a curb. With a tree. Right in front of the Belk - you know, so everyone can see you. So, I misjudged a slight bit & next thing you know...I am hitting two wheel motion - not three - like I have hydraulics. My SUV was tilted. I looked like I could've been on a Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg video from the early/mid 90s. I thought I may just be able to back up a little, move forward a little, and fix it. Oh but no, someone was in front of me, so I couldn't move much. And when I would put my foot on the gas just a little, it would revvvvv up and my (2) wheels would sorta spin in the grass. My kids were screaming "MOMMA! What are you doing"???? There were folks staring....like I was an idiotic lunatic who was about to start bouncing in the hydraulic car. I turned the radio down and told my kids to please be quiet (Mary Poppins is slowly floating away) & somehow, by the grace of the Lord, I got myself out of 90s ghetto stance and wheeled correctly into the rockstar spot. As I turned the car off, I looked in the backseat & my oldest child has removed her glasses & is looking around back and forth. I look at her & ask why in the world her glasses were off...and in her precious, 9 year old voice, she informs me that she is trying to change the way she looks so people won't know it is her in the car!!! My girl is embarrassed of her momma!!! 😳😠I told her to put em back on & let us go in. She begged me to stay in the car "for five more minutes" so that everyone who might have seen could clear out! Ha ha ha!!! Bless her heart!!
Well...I took this five minute opportunity to lay a couple of ground rules for the Belk trip. First being - thou shalt not touch a mannequin. Last trip (where I swore that I would never return to Belk with children), my precious baby C honked the private part of a male mannequin. I lost my serious Mom face on that one and accidentally lol-ed. So, we had a huge conversation about how it was inappropriate and wrong and how mommy was wrong to laugh. Second rule - stay close to Mommy. Don't get out of my sight. Third - if I ask you to do something, please do it right then. Fourth - does anyone have to pee?? Answer was unanimous: no. Cool. So, we go in.
Walk through the doors. I see C eyeing a mannequin. She runs up and touches her shoes and comments on how pretty they are. Okay...yeah, they are pretty, but we can't touch mannequins, right? Yes mommy, right. We get on the escalator. Success. Everyone acted right. Then we take a right, to the Big and Tall section. That's where things began to fall apart - no pun intended. Ha ha!
There I am. I'm squatted down by the Ralph Lauren button downs, searching for a Large Tall. My kids were beside me, but then they weren't anymore. Then I heard the biggest crash on Earth and looked up in time to see four racks of big and tall jackets & sweatshirts falling one after another like dominoes. Y'all! Do you realize how big Big and Tall clothing are?? We have 4XBig sizes of huge puffy jackets strewn all over the floor. My kids scurried out of the racks like roaches when someone turned the lights on. Baby C's eyes were so wide that I thought they were gonna pop out of her head. She put her fingers in her mouth...which she has never done in her life. She knew it was MAJOR. My biggest was going "momma, oh my gosh, momma, I just don't know what happened". Here I stand, in a Mount Everest of clothing, humiliated and angry. I'm desperately trying to get these racks off the ground and clean this hot mess up before I get kicked out of Belk. It did cross my mind to take a pic or snap...but I thought it may be totally disrespectful- especially because a lady (not an employee) came to help me. She looked to be a grandma. I was on the verge of blowing up like a volcano. I looked at my kids & you know that Momma voice that comes from the pit of your stomach...it sounds like what you think Satan might sound like if you were to hear him speak. Yes. That one. It came out. I said "don't move, don't talk, don't touch anything EVER again"!!!! I think the grandmotherly lady thought I was about to need a Social Services consult, so she tried to reel me in by saying "it's okay! The racks were loaded down too much anyway. It's no big deal. One day you'll look back and laugh at the memory". I told her that I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She helped me clean up. My kids tried to help too. Bless em.
They were on their best behavior for about five minutes. My husband face timed me to see if I had found anything for him at Belk & I told him there had been the major incident & the kids were off tha chain. He works about 20 minutes from Belk, but I think he sensed that I was hanging by a thread, so it was 15 minutes until quitting time anyway, so he just came on over. After I had a pile of clothes to pick from, they suddenly decided they had to pee - simultaneously - right then. So, we went to pee & as we are walking up, the littlest is talking at 250dB & throwing herself on the ground and laughing.
My husband rolled up at the right time to see the debacle & stepped in to try to remedy the situation. That's when we looked down and saw my little creative presh hanging on desperately to the leg of a table that held men's pants, declaring that she was a "koala hanging on to bamboo". God bless her, we had to laugh, because that is exactly what she looked like.
We buy what we need & Jimmy took them for a ride on the train while I went into a store alone. I'm not quite sure that C stopped talking the entire trip. We had reservations for dinner & when we showed up, the restaurant suddenly decided to tack 20 more minutes onto the wait time. Um...I thought that's why you had reservations? 😳 Anyway, we went to eat at another place. It went relatively well...until C tried to touch the sizzling fajita platter, cried every time we talked to her, or talked over us so no one could converse. Then, as it was time to go...she Beelines for the emergency exit & almost sets off the alarm. The people sitting next to us called out "ma'am, ma'am"! I'm like - yeah, I see her. I'm really thinking, I'm just weak by this point. Let her set it off. Ha ha. After we pay, we all get outside & as we are walking off, c is riding on her daddy's shoulders & makes the statement of the night. Apparently the previous two hours didn't mean a thing to her, because, she said "I have been SO GOOD today that we should go get some ice cream"!!! Let me let you guess....ha. No, that did not happen. Not a chance!!
It was a pretty darn embarrassing night. Parenthood keeps you humble. You can't look cool while standing on a mound of downed racks of big and tall puffy jackets and sweatpants. You can't look cool chasing a kid to the emergency exit...& you sure can't look cool walking behind a kid who is throwing themselves down on the ground for kicks and giggles! In her defense...she was asleep before we got five miles down the road. Sleepiness makes this child behave in crazy ways!
I really decided to finally write this blog tonight after a friend posted on FB about how so many Moms always look so perfect and pretty with their homes clean and sparkly and their kids in matchy clothing. I feel like we all do each other a disservice by acting like we are all perfect 24/7. So I make it my mission to be real. I humiliated myself at Belk when I looked like Snoop's girlfriend hitting the hydraulics & my precious kids are out of control sometimes. But...that's life...and it makes for GREAT stories and great lessons on God's grace...you know, when your voice sounds like it came from the pits of you-know-where! Ha ha! Keep on keepin on Mommas....I see you & I love you!!! It's tough in these trenches!!
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