I must begin with true talent. One of the only true talents of the evening: Justin Timberlake...JT...Timbaland's BFF...the funny one...nsync member...Jessica's husband...sharp dresser...amazing dancer...the curly haired one. I can't say anything bad about him. So, there you go. I can take it back old school on him and say he was fab in NSYNC and was the showstopper there too. (As an aside, I was a little older when nsync was popular, so I wasn't crapping myself over them the way that many did - I never owned a CD of theirs. I was probably listening to gangsta rap or Beck - I'm a walking contradiction. -- but I digress -- I thought NSYNC was the dumbest name for a band eva!) Anyhow - JT is hot, talented, funny, and he didn't disgrace his family or act like a gigilo. Score one.
Lady Gaga at least wore something that didn't piss off PETA or look like a cocoon. Good job by her. The dress looked like some Hobby Lobby fabric that she wrapped around and had some bow made in the floral department and called it a belt and slung the leftovers on the bottom as a train. She did, however, look shockingly similar to Octomom. It was uncanny to me. Like, to the point that I needed to check for stretch marks and a c-section scar. What the mess? I didn't know she had dark hair, either. But, I'm a fan of the au-natural, so good for her. I also don't know what she has sang in the past year or two. Oh, never mind, she has been at the ortho doc and In PT bc she broke her hip. Ouch! Osteoporosis maybe?!? Sprinkle an oste-cal in her drink, would ya?
Okay, without further ado, we have the twerky one. Miley Cyrus. I've gone back and forth about what to say. My feelings are like a continuum. Part of me wants to rip her like I know I can...and the other part wants to start a skank ministry at my church and try to get her to join for help. There's another part (the momma in me) that wants to cry for her. So, we get it Miley. You never sleep because you do Molly (google it- it's a drug)- you then get on QVC and buy a bedazzler. That's how you got those hideous gems on your red carpet outfit. And (sorry not sorry) but Gwen (awesome) Stefani had that hairdo in 1998-1999. Try again, sister. And, we saw the debut of the long, Gene Simmons-esque, tongue. What the what? It was geeeeross. Why did it appear white in the middle? Did you rub cocaine on it? Or is that a symptom of some disease you're toting? As if all this wasn't bad enough, the performance ensued. Wow. First of all...why was Chuck E. cheese on your leotard? Secondly...why were you wearing white keds? Third of all...why did you ruin build a bear for all of 'Merica. Fourth...the pleather skin colored bikini thing was appalling in itself. Fifth, there are dance moves other than twerking. Sixth, there's that nasty tongue again. Seventh, why did you have to place the hand thing that people hold up at football games to signify that their team is number one - all over your hoo hoo? Football season starts this week and you are attempting to taint this item, this mainstay of football fans nationwide. Are you itchy?? Idk if you have an std, but I SURE felt like I needed to be tested for one after your performance ended. I felt violated. And the number of nasty people in the audience who thought it was beyond disgusting was almost humorous. Seriously, Rihanna pushes the envelope big time, and she looked embarrassed for you. Drake, who I bet has his name in VIP rooms in strip clubs all over the world, wouldn't make eye contact. Will Smith's whole family looked like they might lose their dinner in their laps. I'm gonna comment on Robin Thicke next, so stay tuned.....but, the straw for me is when your momma was giving a standing ovation in the front row. I was secretly hoping she was standing up to come up there and give an ole fashioned butt whoopin - with a wooden spoon - and take you off to rehab. But naw. Mrs. Achy Breaky was proud as a peacock. Skank ministry, I tell you. Invite Miley - and her Mom - and heck, her dad too. As a parent, this makes me nauseated.
Robin Thicke. Lets be honest, Blurred Lines has a fabulous beat. It's been dubbed the "song of the summer". I thought the "song of the summer" came from one of my 11 month old daughter's toys. Ha. Shows how much I get out. So, why are you gonna dress like you work at Foot Locker and come up on that stage with a skank and let her twerk on you like that? And molest you with that football hand? Your wife is beautiful....I bet that was a super awkward, silent ride home. I don't nag much, but I would've let it fly big time if some nasty tongued, crotch cricket having girl was up on my man. Ugh. Ruined it.
What about how TSwizzle got busted on camera talking about her ex. Telling him to shut the...well, you know the rest. It is slightly funny. And she got the last laugh when she called it out when she won the moon man. I'd straight up write about people that had scorned me. If you got it, use it! I thought she looked pretty. Lipstick maybe a little too dark for summer. But, y'all know I love her, despite the flack that I get from y'all about it. I'm feeling 22. Not really. Maybe 44. Ha.
Uh oh y'all, Selena Gomez forgot to hook the front of her dress and her whole right side of her lingerie is showing!!! What? It was made that way? Hit the gong. Bad choice. But, at least you're still a little Disney and not twerkin' on stuffed teddy bears. There's always a bright side :)
Katy Perry tried to go Nelly on us. She wore a grill. I'm not sure if the whole top diamond and the bottom row's gold...but, weren't grillz so 2001-2002?! Did she rob a jewelry store and tell em 'make me a grill?' Seriously, I know every word to the song, this could go on all night. Ha. Anyway. It was a poor idea on KPerry's part. The dress was atrocious and I do believe those were fake insects at the top of it. What the mess? Idk about y'all, but I wear OFF to combat those things, not make a dress out of em. I don't like her new song "Roar", I find it lame. And what is even more lame? She was tweeting back and forth with Obama. Yes. The president. I saw it on twitter with my own eyes. Doesn't he have better things to do? Like the country is in shambles and people are dying and are out of work and there's a war and what not. Get off yo Twitter and work.
Harry Styles must style his hair with an oscillating fan. I think he is in 1 direction. That's a band, right. I'm so out of it.
Mackelmore isn't cute, really, but something makes him cute. I think it's the rasp in his voice, like he smoked 42 cartons of cigarettes. The fur thing was whack. Bet he popped tags to get it and it smelled like pee. Ha. I did like the minty green suit and his girlfriend is gorgeous. And even though my husband disagrees, anyone who can reference Shark Week in a song, is just alright with me :)
Drake hangs out with Johnny Manziel and used to be jimmy on Degrassi. Y'all know I can't get over that. I think he may think his stuff doesn't stink. We make up new words to his songs in the car and make them pretty enjoyable. Gotta give the dude props, he knew Miley was humiliating herself and he didn't want to condone it, so he looked away. Bless his heart. Maybe that was his way to say he cares.
Why did Daft Punk have on helmets? I hate it when people do whack things like that. Just embrace it, you're famous. So what if you're ugly, just go buy a new house or something to make yourself feel better.
Will Smith is aging. Join the crowd. I've forgotten how awesome Fresh Prince was. It comes on super super early on
Nick at nite. Thanks to my baby, I get to
Relive the glory days of Will.
Jared Leto looked just like his Jordan Catalano days!!!! It made me want to dye my hair sorta red and be all grungy and awkward :) he had been going through that hideous phase. Like he was trying to buck the Catalano stereotype. Embrace it, dude! It works for you :)
Who is Ed Sheeran? What does he sing? Why is his name everywhere? I'm totally out in left field on this guy. He looks like someone I would see at Kroger. Just a typical guy.
Roll tide, Jennifer Hudson. I saw you Rockin that houndstooth! I didn't know you rooted for my team!
That's it, y'all. I really kinda have more to say about Miley, but I'm keeping it lighthearted. I really think she needs help and that's sad. Anyway....hope y'all got some giggles :)
No comments:
Post a Comment