Oscar Fashion Review

So...I'm not a fashion critic, nor do I claim to be the most stylish (although I was nominated for best dressed in high school), I love to bust on Oscar fashion - simply bc Hollywood folks put themselves out there for our review. Without further ado...

J. Lo - I know you think you're too cool to be called J. Lo now, but I remember you in your Jenny from the block days & when you had that awesome straight hair that I desperatly tried to emulate. Anyhoo - that dress was a BIZAD choice. You know the bubble wrap game on my iPhone...yeah, that's what I think about when I see you.

Rachel McAdams - do you do any wrong? I heart you. You look beautiful. Let's hang out :)

Charlize Theron - such a pretty girl...but your dress reminds me of purple cinnabons on your boobies. Free tip: you NEVER want your outfit to remind people of food. EVER.

James Cameron's Wife - please, please, please stop by In-and-Out Burger on the way home. Eat, eat, eat! AND KEEP IT DOWN!!

Cameron Diaz - I know that the verdict is still out among the masses as to if you are pretty or not, but I think you are. You seem like a cool chick & your dress is gorgeous. Good choice.

Sarah Jessica Parker - a.k.a. SJP - I truly believe that you didn't carry those twins bc you didn't wanna ruin your body. We all know that I have body issues, but wow, pretty selfish there. So, you've made up for it by wearing a dress that looks like you pooped out a very large faux diamond on the booty. Not cute.

Miley Cyrus - I don't know why you are at the Oscars. Last time I checked, the Hannah Montana movie wasn't nominated - but, that said, you look stunning. Kinda makes me wanna go brunette again - for a minute.

Kate Winslet - Usually love you...but your dress resembles a bad bridesmaid's dress. Ouch.

Maggie Gyllenhall - Pretty girl. Looks like she'd be a fun mom. I liked her most on the Sesame Street episode. Don't know if I've actually seen her in a movie. Looks nice.

Matt Damon - Just wanted to type your name bc you are HOTTTTTT!

Kristen Stewart - you are so awkward. Truth be known, you are hooking up with Rob Pattinson - so you should be bouncing off the walls with excitement & bubbliness at that pure fact. I know you tried tonight...your dress wasn't bad...you just look like you wanna go home & put on your Converse.

Taylor Lautner - hey :) I feel bad to acknowledge that you are hot bc you are total jailbait.

Sandra Bullock - I love you and wanna hang out. Call me. (P.S. your dress was just OK, it kinda washed you out - but we can't be perfect all the time) You can bring your hubby when you come over, I bet Jimmy would love to hang with him and talk about garage junk.

Nicole Richie - another person that I would like to hang out with for a day or two. Look awesome...but, I'm not sure why you are at the Oscars - oh, I think it's bc your fiancee is gonna be on the 1s & 2s at the afterparty. (He's DJ-ing for y'all that don't speak DJ - wonder why I do? That's another story for another time)

Demi Moore - looking that good at that age should be a crime. Plastics or not...it's workin for ya.

Virginia Masden - do the letters W.T. mean anything to you? Looks like something from an 80s country/western video. Please see a stylist, stat.

Miley's Mom - are there any bulbs left in the tanning beds in your town, or did you burn them all up? How about that eye makeup, let's hope you don't get an "Achy Breaky Heart" or it will run all over your face. Woah, I got a little harsh there...but it's bad stuff.

Helen Mirren - beautiful, classy, classic. I hope I age that well :)

Mariska Hargitay - another person that I love. I still think she's really a detective bc I love Law & Order. She looks beautiful always!

Mariah Carey - another person that I'm not sure why she is even at the Oscars...but, since she put it out there...I gotta rip her. She always looks like she has been shoved into a dress 4 sizes too small (think a stuffed sausage). She looks uncomfortable. Needs to dress her age. Go away.

Black lady with the purple dress that is poofy at the bottom - Pardon that I don't know who you are...but you are gorgeous, your dress is gorgeous, your teeth are gorgeous, and most of all, you look like you're having a good time. Perfection!

That's my review. I better be looking on-point for the next few days since I've busted these people down so hard. Ha ha ha. I never claimed to be perfect & beautiful - but I don' t put myself out there on national TV either - nor do I even make 1% of these people's salaries. Mommy barely has time to take a shower!