Who Moved My Jesus?

My other resolution is to read more books in 2015, but there's not a lot to say about that, so here's my final resolution. I've waited a while to post this one for a couple of reasons. Number one being that if you write about it & post it to a semi public forum & let people know/read your heart and your struggles, people may ask you about it or comment on it to your face, not in a safe place like Facebook, or they may (gasp) try to hold you accountable. The accountability usually comes to me on a day in which I want to throat punch the person who calls it out to me, & I want to say "shut up, who made you the accountability police"? Well, I guess I kinda did, if I made it public, right? The perils of bearing a bit of your soul. Cathartic with consequences. Sigh. 

So, circa 2009-2011, I sorta kinda had my spiritual junk together, for the lack of a better term. I ain't saying I was perfect by any means...I was just a chick saved by grace, trying to worship, trust & get by. I had the fire/willpower to be in the word nightly before bed. I could stay awake to pray and kept journals. I was in a weekly bible study consistently...like spring, summer, fall & winter. Our church group was doing stuff, learning and serving, we were making some killer friendships. In our personal lives, we were having house crap go down, just when I thought things were perfect & ideal, God was showing me that He had other plans. I was sad, but strangely kinda okay because I wanted to be in His will. If you're confused....read archives back to 2010-2011 & you'll get it. I totally felt that our adorable surprise of 2012 and the miracles that we clearly saw within our not so normal pregnancy and post partum course were blessings from God for obedience and faith. Riding high. On fire for sure. 

Sigh. Fast forward. Gosh. I can't believe I'm even writing this, mainly bc I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and think because things are different now that I am "blaming" anyone or anything in particular. Life and time are fluid, you know. Nothing stays the same. Even good times. Even "on fire" times. But, I think one of the things about my writing and my personality that make me approachable is the fact that I'm gonna let ya know that it ain't always all good. So, yeah. I'm on the spiritual struggle bus. I may be driving it, actually. It's difficult to maintain a fire. You constantly have to put more wood on it, or use that blower thing on it that resembles an accordion. Can you tell I'm not the fire building type? Well, you get the analogy. I'm not doing my part to fire back up the fire. Things have changed. My bible study that met forever disassembled. Our church went through a whole lot of changes. We moved to another side of town. We had another kid. We don't get much of a break from life in general. I'm tired a lot. Read- pretty much 24/7- but so is every mommy. If we are laying it all out there...sometimes I get bitter about it. Okay. Boom. There. Little miss unicorns gets bitter. So, when I feel these things, I get totally mature and just withdraw a little...mainly consisting of sleeping and generally ignoring. 

Those things said, I've listed a lot of lame, lame, lame excuses for you. That leads me to my question: who moved my Jesus? Did any of yall read the "Who Moved My Cheese?" book in the early 2000s? Here's the whole thing in a nutshell. There were these 4 mice and their cheese got moved in the maze. They all 4 had different reactions ranging from being pissed, blaming, refusing to change and just starving, or looking at it as a new adventure & opportunity for growth & just part of your story. So, I guess I've done a little of all over this little spiritual crisis...except the last one. There lies my resolution. 

I can't go back. The things that are different now, well, they are different & it's up to me to adapt. I truly, firmly believe that no one moved my Jesus to be mean or to challenge me. I think my relationship with Christ is just that. MY relationship. MY responsibility. I don't think Jesus moves. I think we do. I think I do. I think I have. I think He is the same place He has always been. I think I'm the one that hasn't made Him a priority for those lame reasons. What if He were too sleepy to die for me? Or what if it was gonna be just too uncomfortable to die on the cross so He deuced out? Well...we would all be doomed. Literally. None of my circumstances moved my Jesus. I simply turned around and made excuses. 

In 2015, I want to change my excuses into action. It's hard for me. I'm an introvert. Commitment and Bible studies make me nervous, okay. I fall asleep when I sit down for more than 5 minutes. I can be flat out pessimistic when I am tired. I'm gonna work on it. And...sigh, this is hard for me, but I'm gonna try to get back into the habit of a little more KLOVE & a little less gangsta rap...unless I'm running (ha ha!) I'm gonna try to be more intentional on reaching out to Christian friends and hanging out & chatting about the struggle. I'm gonna try to join some study that I may actually do or be accountable to...even if I'm gonna miss because of work. I'm going to pray. Not just "thanks, God" kinda prayers or "please help fill-in-the-blank" kinda prayers, but for real get deep kinda prayers...if I can stay awake! Yikes! 

The struggle is real...& I feel incredibly nervous that I've thrown this blog out there for people to judge. Ahem, I mean, read. Forgive me in advance for my failure...I'm gonna get tired, I'm gonna come up with excuses, I'm gonna say bad words at the nurse's station when I'm frustrated, & I'm gonna feel inadequate. But, at least I know no one moved my Jesus. He's right where He always will be...waiting on me, waiting to meet me where I am: the really tired, introverted, introspective, worrying, gangster rap loving, poor time managing girl who loves Him & know He is the Way, but is a little mixed up right now.