Being a mommy is one of the hardest, yet most rewarding jobs on the planet. There's nothing like seeing your babies achieve something new, or realizing that a look that they have, their hair color, or mannerism belongs to you. I can physically feel my heart swell with pride when these things occur. I love the little sense of humor that begins to bud. I love the sloppy kisses and funny words. It's all kinda magical, ya know.
Of course, with all this, comes the proverbial turd in the punchbowl. Mommy guilt. We all have it...some worse than others. I have a hefty dose of it :( I'm a guilt-er by nature. I remember in college (on my 3rd degree- ha ha) that my friends would call me the guiltmeister because I would feel terrible if I left class a little early or if I (gasp) skipped! I think that some of it comes from being an only child. I totally thought that I needed to stay home to be with my folks...like they would be bored, or sad without me. Now that I'm a parent, I realize that they probably were thinking, 'please leave and give us a second alone'! I say these things to tell you that the guiltmeister feels it, big time. Here is prime example number one from this week. Here's what my kindergartner brings home:
Next example....I know y'all get this one. You've got a babysitter. Your event (be it work, class, whatever) gets out a little early. All you truly want is to wonder in target alone for 45 minutes with a Starbucks in hand and not having to wrestle a kid to sit on her bottom in the buggy, or be forced to visit the toy aisle and hear your 6 year old cry because the "Frozen" section is still empty (except for those 2 darn baby Anna dolls that no one clearly wants). You could spend solitude and peruse the clothes and jewelry and home goods alone and not have to explain to your no-volume control kid why some fat guy is in one of those cart things, running folks outta the aisles, when he needs to be up and at em burning a calorie or two. But, what do you do? You either (a) go to target and rush because you feel the guilt on you like a big thick blanket in the middle of summer, or you (b) go get the kids because the guilt wins - but then you're all ticked off at the world because you never get alone time. I bet there's some lucky soul out there that does (c) goes to Target, enjoys it, and doesn't give a rip. Kudos to you...let me know when the class begins, because this mommy wants to take it.
Scenario three....and a confession. I made brownies tonight. The good kind. We're talking Giridelli double chocolate. Aah yeah :) I put them in the oven and I hid. Okay, yeah, I hid...as quietly as I could. I took the big, yellow, Williams Sonoma mixing bowl and a wooden spoon to an undisclosed location and tore that leftover batter up. Not because I was ashamed - I wasn't. I ran 6 miles today and 5 the day before that. I deserve it. I was hiding from my kids. I didn't want to share. Na na na na boo boo. Who's the kid now? But, I felt guilty! My sweet tiny people would've loved to lick that chocolatey goodness. They would've been thrilled. But I hid! Like Adam and Eve in the garden. I hid! Pathetic, much?! I feel bad about it. I wanted it all to myself!
I think part of my guilt is tied into anxiety...but that's gonna get a little deep, so we ain't going there ;) For real, though, I know the mommy guilt is a big deal. I felt it hard this week when my biggest girl (as I was letting her pick out her clothes after the previous worksheet emerged earlier in the week) was mad at me because 2 of the shirts that she wanted to wear were dirty. Well, I had worked the previous 2 days, & when you work 24 out of the last 48 hours, you can bet that laundry isn't getting done. She was crying because "I didn't have her stuff clean". I was on the verge of tears because I felt the guilt. The age old working momma guilt. It's a guilt that goes deeper than Target or brownie batter guilt. It's so tough. I want my kids to understand how much I love them, and how I work so they can have better things and live more comfortably. I also know that I'm a better mommy because I work outside of the home. But, they don't get that- and they won't for a very long time. The working mom guilt is big stuff. Especially when you have a job like I do. I take care of people 24/7...at home, at work. Honestly, sometimes I want to be a jerk and scream "what about ME"?!?!? Does anyone care that I want a break, too?!? I want a nap and a book and a facial and a date with my husband and a vacation!!! But, in the end, Mommy guilt wins, and I put it aside and continue to take care of people 24/7 and not say a word.
Mommy guilt is huge. I hate it. I hate the way it makes me feel & sometimes the things it makes me say. But, I would feel it on the daily a million times if that's what I had to feel to be a mom. When it comes down to it, target would just suck my pocketbook dry, Mossimo clothes don't really flatter post-baby bodies anyway, & the swimsuits don't even have boob control. I could hit up a Starbucks drive through and have a mini vaycay in the car on the way to get my kids. Who cares if my kid's clothes don't match, if she feels secure in herself and has pride in what she's chosen? Eventually, the Giridelli batter would plant itself on my thighs, no matter how long the runs are, so maybe next time, I'll share.
I do take care of others 24/7. I do get burned out. But I wouldn't trade it, ever. My family is my world. God has placed these folks here for me to love and nurture. Being a mom is such a blessing. There's no relationship like mommas and kids. I hate the guilt, but it's not gonna go away. My only prayer is that I can overlook it a little. I want my kids to know how much I love them and how much joy they bring to my heart and to my life - and how I would lay mine down for theirs, if that what it took.
Happy Mother's Day, y'all. Here's hoping that Mommy guilt will magically disappear, because I know the struggle is real,...but, if it doesn't, that we will all persevere and love these babies with everything that we have, because they are truly gifts from God :)
PS - I still hope that us mommies get some "alone" time for Mother's Day. Even though the guilt is there, I always come back feeling renewed and I'm so much nicer :)
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